Abba~Daddy
On my way to work this morning I was completely overwhelmed at the thought of an all loving God who has so many good plans for me. Psalms 139 came to mind as I was driving "How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!" I know this verse I have used this verse in Bible study at work to drive home to these girls how much God loves them but today, this morning, this was mine for me to me about me. The Father was showing just how much He loves me...
The significance of this you may ask? God loves us all, I know but take a trip back in time with me some 23 years ago and I will try to paint a picture of why this was so over whelming this morning...
The year-1988 The setting-Mt. Sterling, KY
I was involved in a terribly traumatic, unavoidable disaster, which would leave me horribly scarred for life. The disaster was not a house fire, personal attack, or even car accident, but the death of a relationship...my parents'. The day my mom for my sake took me away from everything I knew and loved. The scar of course was not immediately apparent but something that grew and worsened over time. Scars usually form as a result of injury to the flesh and are a normal part of the healing process...my scar whoever was an ever growing mar...not a natural part of healing but an ever present, ever growing reminder of a deeper injury much deeper than a simple flesh wound. This one went straight through to the core of my being and as time passed with an absent father it proved to be indeed a Daddy sized hole in my heart, my soul...(which led to many poor choices of ways to fill that void, that will be left for another time)
My daddy loved me and I had this tremendous attachment and connection to him and could not comprehend how he was gone, how my everything was gone, and why I now had a new life with people I hardly knew. My dad over the years made many good intentioned promises that never proved true and spent long spans of time without contact. I would grow physically ill at times because of the stress and worry I bared for my father's well being. As I got older he did seem to settle down and this made it safe for me to spend time with him over the summers. As I got older it was harder for him to relate to me and of course I knew EVERYTHING as a teenager so we didn't see eye to eye on many things. That led to heated arguments and many hurtful things being said that no father should ever say to their child. I continued to forgive and hope for a good relationship.
After I had my oldest it seemed to be we would never have a good relationship or even speak again for that matter. God moved a might hand about 2 years ago and my dad was saved, and for the first time I felt unconditionally fatherly love from him! Praise God! Just last year summer of 2009 he met his granddaughters for the first time. It was an experience, but God is good and was at work.
When I hear music I have to move music is indeed my heart beat and when I praise God I praise with my everything. I sway or dance or sign if I know the signs it is an awesome thing to praise God with your all. Well throughout this last year the oddest sensation would come over me during worship almost as if I was slow dancing with God...just him and I. One evening service we were singing a song "yesterday and today and forever you're the same ever constant never changing is your grace.." and I felt this sensation stronger than usual and I closed my eyes and bowed my head and I could see chubby little feet standing on top of dirty cowboy boots...a trusting little girl dancing with her daddy. This is a precious memory God gave back to me in that moment of worship to him. Through years of hurt and an ever growing chasm in my heart God allowed me this precious cherished memory...I treasure that and think of it often but never understood what He was really saying in it.
It has become clearer to me now and amazing to me that God used a memory of my father here on earth, a man who made many poor choices and left me with wounds that only the love of the Father could heal to show me how much He truly loves me and more. This memory was one that overtook me with a feeling of safety and self abandonment (as any girl can tell you, if she ever had the privileged of dancing on her daddy's feet is the feeling you get) That is the love my Father has for me. I am safe in His arms and I can abandon myself in His song over me...Praise you Abba Father! Your love for me is more than the sands on every beach! You see I have had times when I lost faith in my earthly father and doubted him, even feared him...and there are times when I feel I can't let go and trust God and He was saying to me precious child trust your daddy with a child like faith things in life have hurt you but you will always be my special girl and I will always make things better.
I cry as I write yet again overwhelmed in the work God is doing and the love He is showing me that has been there all along...This may not make sense and may not flow well but I move my fingers as the words fill my head...someday this will be something I need to revisit and it will make sense to me. In the mean time this hole in the core of me is being healed scar tissue is being removed and piece by piece my heart is being gently repair...restored! It is painful but there are breaks from the pain like that of this mornings with an all consuming reminder of the love the Father has for me.
The significance of this you may ask? God loves us all, I know but take a trip back in time with me some 23 years ago and I will try to paint a picture of why this was so over whelming this morning...
The year-1988 The setting-Mt. Sterling, KY
I was involved in a terribly traumatic, unavoidable disaster, which would leave me horribly scarred for life. The disaster was not a house fire, personal attack, or even car accident, but the death of a relationship...my parents'. The day my mom for my sake took me away from everything I knew and loved. The scar of course was not immediately apparent but something that grew and worsened over time. Scars usually form as a result of injury to the flesh and are a normal part of the healing process...my scar whoever was an ever growing mar...not a natural part of healing but an ever present, ever growing reminder of a deeper injury much deeper than a simple flesh wound. This one went straight through to the core of my being and as time passed with an absent father it proved to be indeed a Daddy sized hole in my heart, my soul...(which led to many poor choices of ways to fill that void, that will be left for another time)
My daddy loved me and I had this tremendous attachment and connection to him and could not comprehend how he was gone, how my everything was gone, and why I now had a new life with people I hardly knew. My dad over the years made many good intentioned promises that never proved true and spent long spans of time without contact. I would grow physically ill at times because of the stress and worry I bared for my father's well being. As I got older he did seem to settle down and this made it safe for me to spend time with him over the summers. As I got older it was harder for him to relate to me and of course I knew EVERYTHING as a teenager so we didn't see eye to eye on many things. That led to heated arguments and many hurtful things being said that no father should ever say to their child. I continued to forgive and hope for a good relationship.
After I had my oldest it seemed to be we would never have a good relationship or even speak again for that matter. God moved a might hand about 2 years ago and my dad was saved, and for the first time I felt unconditionally fatherly love from him! Praise God! Just last year summer of 2009 he met his granddaughters for the first time. It was an experience, but God is good and was at work.
When I hear music I have to move music is indeed my heart beat and when I praise God I praise with my everything. I sway or dance or sign if I know the signs it is an awesome thing to praise God with your all. Well throughout this last year the oddest sensation would come over me during worship almost as if I was slow dancing with God...just him and I. One evening service we were singing a song "yesterday and today and forever you're the same ever constant never changing is your grace.." and I felt this sensation stronger than usual and I closed my eyes and bowed my head and I could see chubby little feet standing on top of dirty cowboy boots...a trusting little girl dancing with her daddy. This is a precious memory God gave back to me in that moment of worship to him. Through years of hurt and an ever growing chasm in my heart God allowed me this precious cherished memory...I treasure that and think of it often but never understood what He was really saying in it.
It has become clearer to me now and amazing to me that God used a memory of my father here on earth, a man who made many poor choices and left me with wounds that only the love of the Father could heal to show me how much He truly loves me and more. This memory was one that overtook me with a feeling of safety and self abandonment (as any girl can tell you, if she ever had the privileged of dancing on her daddy's feet is the feeling you get) That is the love my Father has for me. I am safe in His arms and I can abandon myself in His song over me...Praise you Abba Father! Your love for me is more than the sands on every beach! You see I have had times when I lost faith in my earthly father and doubted him, even feared him...and there are times when I feel I can't let go and trust God and He was saying to me precious child trust your daddy with a child like faith things in life have hurt you but you will always be my special girl and I will always make things better.
I cry as I write yet again overwhelmed in the work God is doing and the love He is showing me that has been there all along...This may not make sense and may not flow well but I move my fingers as the words fill my head...someday this will be something I need to revisit and it will make sense to me. In the mean time this hole in the core of me is being healed scar tissue is being removed and piece by piece my heart is being gently repair...restored! It is painful but there are breaks from the pain like that of this mornings with an all consuming reminder of the love the Father has for me.
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